Well, the San Francisco Sketchfest has come and gone and we had a great time performing at the beautiful Castro Theater, which, in a strange coincidence, is located on Castro Street. The show opened with a guy playing one of those gigantic Wurlitzer organs.  I didn’t catch the musician’s name, but I wish I had because he was phenomenal. And the selection of tunes was first rate: melodies by Gershwin, Porter, Rodgers and their ilk, played with magnificent grandeur on one of the mightiest musical instruments of them all.  I know these kinds of organs were mainly used to accompany silent movies, and talkies have been in vogue for at least two or three years now, but I wish every movie theater started its program with a swingin’ Wurlitzer recital like the one the audience was treated to at the Castro.

It was great being back in San Francisco.  When you walk around and immerse yourself in the urban upsidaisium of its cultural and geographical landscape, you can easily understand why the melancholy elegance and lyrical squalor of the town have long inspired artists, musicians and writers.  Could any other city in America have produced as classic an example of beat poetry as the Rice-a-Roni jingle? I think not.

Unfortunately, we were only in town for a short while, so I never got the chance to stay indoors all day and all night watching episode after episode of “The Streets Of San Francisco” without ever leaving my hotel room.  Alas, I had professional obligations, so I was unable to experience the city-by-the-bay through the all-encompassing transcendence of a Quinn Martin Production.

Devoted viewers might have already noticed that Quinn Martin has had a profound effect on all of us at MST3K and Cinematic Titanic.  Not so much the shows themselves, but the voice-over narrator in the opening credits, announcing the name of the show, and the pertinent info that it’s “a Quinn Martin production,” plus the names of the principal cast members, and most importantly, the title of “tonight’s episode…”

As in: “Tonight’s Episode: ‘Eeny Meeny Miney Murder.’”

Or, “Tonight’s Episode: ‘An Apple A Day Keeps The Murder Away.’”

Or, “Tonight’s Episode: “Four Score And Seven Kills Ago.’”

On MST3K and Cinematic Titanic, we’ve made this reference a million times because it always makes us laugh, but come on, let’s be honest, it’s really easy to come up with them.  All you have to do is take a catch phrase, a famous quotation, or a book, movie, or song title, and replace one word with, “murder,” or “kill,” and, just like that, you have yourself a “Quinn Martin Production, Tonight’s Episode…” title.  It’s that simple, although, not every title or phrase lends itself so easily to this method.  For instance:

“Tonight’s Episode: ‘The Snows of KILLimanjaro.”

That one doesn’t work very well, does it? I would also advise against using titles or phrases that already have the word “murder” in them. For instance:

“Tonight’s Episode: ‘Murder Most Murder!’”

Doesn’t really work either, and some titles don’t need to be enhanced to make them more murdery or killy.  For instance:

“Tonight’s Episode: “Faster Pussycat: Kill! Kill! …And Murder!”

Pointless.  But coming up with ‘A Quinn Martin Production, Tonight’s Episode…” titles is easy, so give it a try if you’re looking for something fun to do when you’re not lucky enough to be in a position to actually traverse the streets of San Francisco.